Wishful Thinking (The List)

The Wishful List
When you find yourself caught in a less than desirable situation with a family member, friend or colleague I think that a "wishful" list is a must if you foster any hope of being extricated without bloodshed. The wishful list is a lengthy mental roster of any number of retorts, angry outbursts, major insults, a cache of swear words as well as a hefty amount of appropriate facial expressions and physical manoeuvres.... ( such as rolling your eyes and hitting yourself on the side of the head) The reasons for you to maintain an active wishful list are too numerous to mention here but if I were to list the most important one it would be this; to avoid unpleasant scenes. I find that it is best to conduct all confrontational business inside your head and never to let those responses that promote the wars, pass through your lips. By uttering, grumbling, screaming and gesturing madly in the silence and privacy of your mind, you get to feel all the satisfaction minus the wear and tear of your vocal chords and arms. Aside from this, you need never actually share/reveal your favourite cuss words and thus you avoid anyone else using them, kind of like your own copyright shield! Your blood will not boil in anger supressed and this helps promote your good health as well as going softly on the purse strings lest you not have a great drug plan.

Technical Difficulties

Due to technical difficulties beyond my control it has become necessary to send my computer into rehab for an as yet undetermined time. Until the deprogramming is successful there will likely be less consistency in terms of postings on this blog. Thanks for waiting patiently and not abandoning ship!

Fitting Room and Bathroom Inequality (NNR)

I am hearing more and more from disgruntled male shoppers about what they feel is the ineqaulity of the gendered fitting rooms in clothing stores. The number one and two complaints are the size and availability. The male shoppers who need to try on their clothing before they can decide whether or not to make a purchase contend that there are far less rooms available to them and that the sizes of the rooms themselves are much smaller than the ones designated for female shoppers. These differences result in endless lineups and on any given day that brings out the male shopping populace the queue to those coveted small spaces is endless. I think that this is a fair trade off as there exists a definite inequality in terms of available stalls in any given public facility. Endless lineups of women and assorted children (some are BOYS!!!) is the norm when a woman attempts a visit to the washroom and this is diametrically opposed to what you see outside the Men's room; nary a queue and in fact the men go in and out with such ease that it appears to the watchful eye that the men's washroom has a revolving door! I know several women who have decided to buck the system and make use of the men's facilities so I would suggest that the sour grapes men do likewise when they need to use a fitting room.

Foreign Films

I have always thought that foreign films were so much meatier than their North American cousins and in all, the purest form of the art. I never minded the subtitles and when I am lucky enough to know the original language I don't even notice the words racing across the screen. Foreign films work your eyes and your ears and while you are surrounded by the music of a myriad of languages, you are transported to any number of far away places that you have always dreamed of visiting. The best part of travel via the big screen is that you are not a tourist. You are instantly relocated and you find that you are able to adapt rather quickly with minimal culture shock . These films are not for everyone and as a rule, those seeking adventure when they go to the cinema are encouraged to remain at home watching Roy Rogers reruns or go to the nearest pub for a rousing game of darts or snooker. I had never equated the word "boring" to anything that came with subtitles, but now, sadly, I must confess to having recently seen not one but two duds! Both with Spanish/Portuguese/soccer themes and both rather disappointing although the second one was so bad that I couldn't figure out the ending despite the fact that much of the dialogue was in English. (with a heavy Spanish accent!!) I suppose that I must now revise my elitist take on the foreign film and admit that a dud is a dud is a dud and is not limited to American/Canadian movies. A dud can come in many different languages so I am thinking that it is time for me to develop a taste for Docs!!

Support Your Local Artistes!!

You have a date with Number Three and as you ponder the venue for your "meet, greet, and?" why not consider going to a quiet cafe where you can get acquainted to the strains of music played by home grown musicians? Not only can this be the perfect romantic setting, but if Number Three turns out to be someone who the word romantic does not apply to, you can always engage in spirited conversation talking right through the musical sets without any fears of offending the musicians as they are by now quite inured to the rudeness of their local audiences. If you want to gauge her culture quotient head to the local museum and check out the wall hangings. All you have to do is ask Number Three for her take on what she sees, and you'll know more than enough to help you make an informed decision. You may opt for dinner in a restaurant to see if Number Three measures up to Number Two and Number One in the table manners portion of the competition; Why not take her to an oyster bar and see how she shucks! After all is said and done you can honestly say that you are a supporter of the arts.

Winnowing

You have dared to cross the threshold of the online dating sight of your choice despite the fact that you say you have recently met someone interesting in Fixupville. I suppose that the fact that Miss Fixup travels a lot has been the impetus for your having reverted to the online market place and to be honest what I find most amazing is the fact that you have had over 200 hits in less than 24 hours. Unlike fishing, this type of meeting process requires serious winnowing and a state of the art strainer to help filter out the non-keepers. You will need to use your super magnifying lens to determine the age of all posted photos because you are not interested in meeting anyone whose online picture does not even vaguely resemble how they look today. Many seem to make arbitrary use of the word "slim" another thing to watch out for in order to avoid being the victim of someone's gross misrepresentation. The really tough part of winnowing is how to divide what remains in the pan. For now, you may be best advised to think of how to construct a device that comes with three or four separate compartments because this will not only allow for variety in your winnowing, but some privacy as well as you ponder how to refine and finally extract the 'winnowed' that you prefer.

The "L" Word

You can use the word love in any number of situations but you should always mean it when you say it. Even on those most inauspicipous of occasions there has to be a solid base of truth if you opt to use that particular word. You can say: I love how you look, I love what you're wearing, I love your new car, I love your new home, I love your haircut, I love your mother-in-law, I love the new art in the living-room, I love the patio you built, I love what you've done to your office and I love the cabinetry in your kitchen as long as the sentiment is truthful. You should say 'I love you' to all those you really do love and you should never be afraid to say it as often as you like because it's beyond perfect when you want to express how you feel. There will however always be those times when you do not quite know how to respond when someone says it to you and therein lies the rub. You can never say it back unless it comes from the heart. Nobody who is brave enough to tell someone that they love them expects to have the the same words returned in kind. If the words are honestly given back then bonus, but if not, it's not the end of the world. You should be able to say I love you as often as you want to with no fear of recrimination but be sure never to use the "L" word when you think it's the 'right' way to respond.. if you do, it won't count because in order to qualify as a bonafide "L" word it has to come from deep down inside and it has to be true. I always say it at the end of every telephone conversation with my family, and it was the last thing I got to say to my dad. I think that the "L" word is more powerful then we know and certainly not for the faint of heart, because it comes with a very weighty responsibility that few can shoulder without buckling.

A Little Night Noise

If we confess to being light sleepers then we must admit to having had our share of "nuits blanches' due to a myriad of different sound bytes that have either woken us from a deep sleep, or prevented us from drifting off. The variety of noises runs the gamut from snoring, trains, snow removal crews, honking horns. car alarms run amok and neighbours both above and to the sides of the apartment who clearly can't sleep and want you to be an insomniac just like them. The only way to get the zzzzs you need is not to fight the sounds that you can't fight. If you master this, and learn to accept those inevitable noises, then as miraculous as the parting of the Red Sea, the other disturbing sounds will fade so far into the background that you'll never really hear them again. The only hitch is that for this to be possible you must learn to embrace the very sounds that you have always found to be so grating. You must embrace the snores of the one who sleeps beside you and in this case 'snores' is an acronym for any number of other personal sounds that emanate from the one you love whether they be "harmless" or not. The key is just to be happy that person is there, noises and all.

The Music Of The Gods

There are all kinds of laughter ranging from the raucous, full bellied, hiccupping and snorting, to the tee hee behind the hand and it matters less which specific category yours falls under and more that you have a laugh at all. It has been written that "laughter is the music of the gods" so you should be sure you laugh at least once a day. If you find the perfect foil you can make someone laugh and it will have a domino effect so you will be laughing WITH them which is key as few like to be laughed AT! If you are really lucky you will find someone who can make you laugh, and not that polite laughter but the real thing that kind of explodes from deep inside until it is propelled through your lips into a fullblown chorus of laughter. Ideally you will be someone's laugh maker and that someone will be yours. If it is true that laughter adds years to your life then no matter which type of laughter you own, make sure you you never lose it.

Dinner At The Ritz

You have been invited to a small dinner party at one of the 'best' restaurants in the city and although you have never eaten there before, you are certain that the food will be amazing, always an ideal accompaniment to perfect company. Your car is valet parked your table is ideally situated for people watching, you order that first cocktail and the evening is off to a great start. Conversation flows easily until you notice a distant chalkboard which lists many of the dishes available for the evening. Your menus have not yet arrived so with varying degrees of myopia you all contribute by reading what you can actually see, in order to "shed some light" onto that dimly lit board, you read in loud voices to combat the hearing loss that touches at least half of the people at your table. It is like a team building activity and pretty successful too! The menus arrive and there is a lengthy round table discussion about who can share what with whom to ensure that everyone gets to taste at least some of everything! The server does an impressive visual presentation and after you get over the shock of seeing various slabs of raw meat alongside jumbo fresh veg on the display platter, you make your informed decisions. The food is served at last and of course fine dining would not be fine dining without at least one person (clearly a Quebecer) sending something back to the kitchen. It is somewhat comforting to realize that even at the Ritz a main can be served at a temperature that is less than the required "hot". The sent back dish returns to the table in perfect splendour and the celebration continues swimmingly with sparkling water and conversation. The sighting of a reknowned attorney and a famous author is the icing on the milk chocolate cake and there are not enough adequate descriptors for the chocolate souffle. The Ritz did not disappoint and a return visit is definitely something to look forward to.

Birthday Loot

Even if you don't expect anything on your birthday, surprises and even gifts have a habit of making appearances. Birthdays are a time when you must remember your manners and be prolific with your thank yous. Mostly you are grateful for the connections that link you to those special people in your life. From family to friends it is always better to hear from them on happy occasions and turning one year older has to be considered one of those. As your birthday begins to fade away but just before you begin dreaming of the next, you can't help but do a quick tally of those who checked in, and if you are really lucky your list will be sizeable. What you realize as your birthdays march by, is that the parade bandstand is not always as filled as it has been on birthdays past. You cannot feasibly maintain all the ties that used to bind so birthdays are sometimes also about letting go. You may get an innocuous card without a signature from an old friend who chose email over snailmail or a phonecall, and for the first time in eons you may not hear from that friend you grew up with, whose birthdays you never forget. This does not mean that you feel any real sense of loss because what you have is really as good as it gets. Every birthday is a people filter of sorts so despite the few that fall away there are so many more that remain and they are your constants, the truly steadfast forces in your life, the greatest gifts of all and you are ever thankful for them.

Bonne Fete

Tomorrow is my birthday and even now many many moons after my arrival it still takes a whole year to get here! When I was little I'd wait and wait for my special day and it always seemed to take eons to get here. Mom and Dad made sure that all of our birthdays were unforgettable so it is no wonder that even today when our days finally roll around my sibs and I get birthday euphoria. We have grown up, had our own families and taught our children about the wonder of their birthdays although ours are of course just a teeny bit more important because we've been at this longer than they have. For us, birthdays never had much to do with age unless we were up for a driving permit or entry into an establishment where alcohol was served. Birthdays were simply OUR days and that is probably why we always tried to make them last as long as possible. We were so reluctant to see them draw to a close and because hey were always less about the presents and more about the CAKE we have naturally grown into happy birthday cake consumers who seem to have easily maintained that same level of appreciation for the modern versions as we did for those long ago clown ice cream cakes with multicoloured balloon candles or the incredible Woolworth offerings. This will be my first birthday without family as they are busy working or away and as such it should prove to be a an interesting experience at the very least. The birthday euphoria is at bay and for the first time in my entire life my birthday will dawn and I will be alone. This may make for a quieter start yet I expect to fully enjoy this new low key celebration of MY day and plans with a special friend in the evening are definitely something to look forward to.

When You Turn Sixty

You have decided not to let your hubby throw you a SURPRISE 60th birthday bash so what do you really want to do? Although it is not at all evident when looking at you, the number dictates that you have reached the age where you should no longer have to hint at what you'd like to do or even what you'd like to receive as a gift. At sixty, you are finally old enough to come right out with it and besides you have earned the right not to have to visit the returned gifts department anymore. If it's dinner in a great French restaurant and coffee/dessert in a quaint piano bar that you want, just ask for it. If you hope and expect after much reticent hinting you'll probably only get Italian pizza/pasta and a movie or you'll end up staying home with the two Fenders, assorted accordians and take out Chinese so don't even go there. If you want to celebrate with only your children you should not feel badly if Grandpa is left at home with his caregiver. On the other hand if your single cousin is visiting from out of town and you do want to include him, that's just fine too. The most important thing to remember is that unless you are a blase birthday person you need not hand over the planning to anyone. You are at last old enough to take the bull by the horns and be the architect of whatever your personal birthday wishes are. Despite having no experience whatsoever in planning for yourself, you can always rely on the wealth of knowledge you have garnered through the years, planning for others. Happy 60th!! (only 2 days early!!)

Are You A Dog?

We are supposed to know better than to judge a book by its cover yet we do not always allow the outer appearance to fade into the background. More often than not, our first descriptons of people who intrigue us have to do with physicality and not personality. If we see the real us when we look into the mirror then we admit to being not at all hard on the eyes and we assume that that has played at least a small role in our initial hook-ups. I think this is why it is so surprising to us when our "exes" choose to become involved with 'dogs'! How can someone trade 'easy on the eyes' for older looking, not even close to attractive, chunky people with bad hair to boot? It cannot be for their stellar personalities, morals, honesty, charisma or higher education so is it perhaps for the positions they hold at work or the money in their bank accounts? Do they have that oh so coveted Masters Degree or do they simply bark better? Although we all know that species inbreeding is a no no so I guess we have to accept that dogs have to be allowed to go... to the dogs. Let's wish them a lifetime supply of Alpo and all the doggie treats they deserve. We will never seek an answer to that infamous question: "Who Let The Dogs Out" because we already know.

How To Refeather The Nest

If you have suffer from empty nest syndrome then you have probably come to the realization that there is no cure. The younguns have flown the coop to make their own lives and you must accept this as the natural progression of life. Unless of course you devise a plan whereby your offspring can return to the fold albeit not exactly to your fold. How does this sound; You purchase a much smaller home not too far from where your eldest lives. You then expound upon the fiscal advantages of owning 'LAND' and you generously share the tome-like perspectus in the hopes that your adult children will see the light even as you train your parental high beams directly in their faces. If all goes according to your plan within a very short time your remaining hatchlings will ante up their deposits and sign those agreement papers with the real estate people. Before you know it all three of you will be homeowners not only in the same sub division but on the same street! Once you have promised to abide by the parent/grown child privacy act you're all set. The kids are home again. Best of all they are not home in your home but in their own humble abodes. You are all set to recapture family in the best possible way; the next level!

What If You Can't Tell The Truth?

How do you come across as honest and honourable when you continue to lie to your family? Family is always supposed to come first and you are supposed to be there to keep them safe and set the examples that need setting but you have forgotten what you once knew so well. How is it that many find you trustworthy when actually that is farthest from the truth. Granted you still have all your compartments so you are a good risk for secret keeping when some choose to confide in you, but that is about it and in the end it is definitely insufficient insofar as character goes. You easily justify lies by omission and the same goes for the rest of the "lie" family, these roll off your tongue with incredible ease. The make believe excusions you compose fool nobody least of all those you feel compelled to share them with. You'd be far better off telling the truth to your family instead of to others. What ultimately happens is that with each untruth a little more respect is lost and this is a well you will not be able to draw from ad infinitum. All wells run dry at some point or another, especially older wells. As you continue to only look out for number one you should remember that family will always love you but when you destroy their faith in you and compromise their trust, you inevitably break their hearts

A Jog In The Journey Of Life (DMN)

Usually when we finally confess that that we are in crisis mode it seems that we've been there for awhile and it looks like we'll be sticking around for some time yet. What we fail to see of course is that we do not stand still. It may appear that we have been treading water but we have actually been swimming forward with each day that passes and although our strokes are miniscule, they cannot be discounted. We advance with a slow but steady pace not unlike that famous tortoise and we do not stop the forward push until we are out of that place that never was part of our itinerary anyway. We might catch glimpses of the changes in scenery as we go by, but because our progress is sometimes really "relaxed" we do not always see the differences. The only thing to remember is not to try to pick up the pace too much because we need to travel the entire route to be sure we get 'home'again. Hopefully one day if we look back on our planned travel and 'unplanned detours' our detours will simply be remembered as jogs in our journey.

Secrets

As you get older and your memory becomes less than perfect what are your options when forced to answer that difficult question: "Can I tell you a secret"? You are suddenly aware of the fact that you no longer have a "secret" compartment available to you in fact you have no particular compartments left at all. You will have to confess to being a singular compartment person but you are advised not waste any time lamenting the "loss" of your compartments because this may cause you quite a bit of angst. The difficulty then becomes how you share this fact with the one who asked THE question without making him/her think that you are a cavalier secret keeper and saying"no" is not a good enough answer. In this as in most ackward situations it is best to be honest and simply state that you are someone who now has only one file. You might further explain that everything having to do with memory is stored in the same place and unlike that old school binder, your file has absolutely no dividers. Once you have made your position clear, it is every secret teller for himself/herself! You don't have to prewarn anyone about your probable inability to keep a confidence because everyone knows what to expect or what not to count on when sharing secrets with a single file friend.

Willpower

One of the most difficult things to do is to stick to your guns and do what you set out to do not letting anything or anyone cause you to deviate from your chosen path. If you have decided to be carb free for fourteen days then stay carb free and do not whine about your preceived state of deprivation. If you have decided that your house needs to be sold and you put it on the market, be prepared to put in the time it might take to get your asking price but stick to what you know it's worth and take no lowballing offers especially if potential buyers claim that you should accept their ridiculous offer quickly before they jet off for a vacation in Bermuda! ( or try to get your agent to accept 4% instead of 5%) If you have decided that your marriage is no longer viable then get out! Do not linger unnecessarily in wishful thought or on the telephone, and do not enter into a non-productive cyber relationship with your soon to be ex; you've decided it's over so end it. There is a reason why you have decided to cut your brother out of your life and unless you remind yourself why that is, you risk having him return with a vengeance via email and telephone, once again wreaking havoc with your piece of mind as he spews about all his "imagined" physical ailments and bad luck. The hardest thing to stick to may be cutting chocolate out of your life. You will just have to bite the bullet and remove all the hidden stash from the nooks and crannies around the house to help you accomplish your goal. Your willpower quotient is only as strong as your committment to your objectives.

When You're Not Invited

It is interesting to note that whenever there is an occasion requiring an invitation there is the always someone uninvited who feels that there has been a terrible mistake made by the host. For any number of reasons, the person who has been left off "the" list feels totally slighted and there is usually no way to dissuade them from the opinion that the problem is with them and that there can be no other possible explanation. Instead of wasting time berating yourself if you have been left out, it might be time to count your blessings. You do not have to go out and spend all kinds of money and time hunting for the ideal gift. You do not have to worry about being seated next to an old flame or someone's old and deaf Aunt Bertha. You do not have to listen to the endless drivel that masquerades as a "speech". You do not have to search through countless personal profiles to find that perfect date so that you can staunch those whispers of" poor thing, he hasn't had a date since she left. You do not have to get your old and probably out of fashion tux cleaned, nor do you have to race to the gym in your effort to fit into that old suit. You do not have to fill up on hors d'oeuvres in order to stave off the hunger that you will otherwise feel when served that inedible banquet of at least six pretentious courses. Your ears will not be subjected to that terrible cacaphony of so called music as randomly selected by the D.J. because the hosts did not feel that live music was worth the financial effort.The only thing I can think of for you to regret is that you won't be able to shine on the dance floor as you show off your recently acquired salsa, tango rumba and waltz skills.

Subterfuge or Supplying a False Sense of Security

Before moving back in (temporarily of course) with Mom and Dad it is best to try and establish your own personal guidelines and it wouldn't hurt at all to rehearse just what you are going to say making sure to factor in the required degree of grovelling. Once you have heard their expectations and fully understand the restrictions that are involved in your becoming their 'child' again and a "guest" in your childhood home, all that remains is for you to move in. You must constantly remind yourself that this will not be an easy period of adjustment, in fact it is more than likely to be fraught with incredible tension. In order to make the new living arrangements bearable, your behaviour will have to be practically perfect and you will have no choice but to take a breather from the 'romantic' part of your life and focus on putting in the required time 'lamenting' the demise of your marriage. You will table (for a reasonable amount of time) all romantic assignments that would have kept you out late on "date" nights and fill in those time slots with quality time spent in the company of your parental units. If you have the backbone and determination to begin this next phase of your life with a clean slate, you have no other options. You must focus on your ultimate goals and hopefully this will help afford you the courage it will take to make this break and move forward. Remember that lies and dishonesty do not a strong foundation make. Subterfuge as a result of caring and self protection is clearly the only way to go. Be grateful for the roof over your head and learn to take (with a grain of salt at the very least) the loving assistance/judgement your parents are so looking forward to lavishing on you. In the end you may disprove that old saying; "you can never go home again!"

Addendum to Gone Fishing...Discards of the Day or Happy April 1st!

After every successful fishing expedition wherein you have amassed any number of unsuspecting fish who fell hook, line and sinker for your "nylon" line you must decide whether or not to "clean and fillet" or to discard. Online, there are less time restrictions..If you are a strong and honourable sportsman, you will allow the valuable catch to swim free and thus you will not be able to be linked to Macbeth as your hands will remain bloodless. Online, because there really is no defining expiry date you may take longer or sometimes too long before rejecting... When fishing, you can easily discard what you really don't want so that what remains is you, a true fisherman who will be rewarded by never NEEDING to go online because after all you still have the two or so fish that you have deemed to be "keepers". As for the non 'keeper' fish, after being dumped by the fishing pro, these 'discards' will continue to swim but it goes without saying that they will forever do so with more caution. Would that the nearly caught or already filleted onliners would be at least a tad more cautious as well. If you suspect that you are a habitual discarder in either discipline, you might consider shifting gears and considering celibacy and/or abstinence from any water sports that can be conducted solo or in groups especially where big nets are used.