The Giving Elm

When you are many things to many people you may delude yourself with thoughts that you are like a symbolic elm tree, massive in your capacity to provide shade and safe harbour to those you care for without batting a single leaf or branch. The truth however,is not quite so simple nor is it stately as is that fine tree.
In actuality, the more you give, the more you begin to strongly resemble an over pruned shrub. As others increase their expectations/demands,your self preservation instincts decrease, almost like tit for tat and this happens at mach speed so that you don't really get to see yourself during the transformation period.
As an 'elm' you may have delusions of granderur, so it doesn't occur to you that you have become an endangered member of the forest family. You do not see that the constant heaviness born by your branches has taken a mighty toll on your outer frame. Yet you are a happy tree even as you give more and more and you have no regrets when you finally get a good look at yourself after years of standing tall.
What you see is an older tree whose exterior is much changed. To the unknowing eye you may appear to be the same old elm, but in fact you are not. You continue to stand when it would be so much simpler to bend and sit for awhile, and you do this because you are after all a giving elm right down to your very roots.

Fisrt Born

As my son sits firmly on the border of his 20s while at the same time marches steadily towards his 30s I take a minute? (not really a minute!!) to reflect back, waaaaay back to that 3rd day in April when thanks to him I became a MOM. Time is still an enigma to me and I continue to be amazed at its steady progression despite our strong desire for it to stand still, especially on momentous occasions. Granted, I did not wish to prolong the length of the actual delivery, but that first sighting and actual holding of the most beautiful baby ever, well that one certainly could have lasted longer. All the milestones notwithstanding, I can see now that is is those small seemingly inconsequential moments I most wish I could have held onto just a wee bit longer. Holding him up to the living room window as our fingers traced the patterns made by a sudden rain, talking to him (non stop)as he lay captive in his pram and we circumnavigated the gardens at Bellevue, I used huge words so not baby friendly yet somehow they seemed just right for him and perhaps this was the beginning of his love of language. (I think it was there that he also acquired his patient listening skills) Singing to him with my awful non tune carrying voice always made him smile, and this was probably the start of his great tolerance for the imperfections in people he had yet to meet. Being a mother saw me morph into something that heretofore was anathema to me; I became a personal cheerleader! From his first steps to his first sentence (bilingual of course)it has been beyond an honour to be in his corner whenever he allowed me to be. I hope that he knows newbie moms sometimes make big mistakes while flying through those parenting years by the seat of their pants, and that he forgives what he has not forgotten in the knowledge that there was only love as a motivator even if that did not appear to be the case at the time.
Today on his birthday I see that the joy of being his mother continues to grow as it walks hand in hand with time. Pride and gratitude can never contained anymore than time can be expected to stand still.
Thanks Dan and Happy Birthday, Love you always, Mom

Leap Of Faith

When I was much much younger and my innate sense of competition was at its peak, I thought nothing of challenging myself in many unfamiliar arenas and was never in any way concerned that I might possibly fall from my lofty perch atop that proverbial branch. I liken my total disregard for possible failure as a byproduct of youth and parenting; I was an exteremy cocky young person who had been raised to KNOW that maximum effort would breed maximum gain.
Not to sound smug or to rest on my laurels, I must confess to achieving whatever it was I set out to do which as we all know, does wonders for the confidence quotient. The years passed without me taking stock of exactly how challenging my life has been yet today it is only as I glance back (better than peering intensely back!) that I am able to recognize that the youthful cocky me has at some point been replaced with an older version that just might be reticent when it comes to challenges and or new things beyond the 'senior' comfort zone. Clearly this does not please me and while I may rage against the injustice that time has (supposedly) wrought ( silently or at high do as needed) within the confines of my own mind, if I were being true to myself I would have to take the blame for allowing the passing years to whittle away what once was as natural as breathing; my sense of adventure, discovery,mind growing, and a veritable cornucopia of things too numerous to list here. The question now is can I begin a sort of backwards march away from the abyss and back towards the core where things are new again, ever-changing and growth is sure to occur.
I am thinking yes, but at the same time considering a 'maybe' panic button.

And So It Goes

It has been said many times that your work life can be enhanced if you are fortunate enough to be surrounded by good 'friends'. In fact, the usual stressful situations never seem to achieve their 'nasty' potential as long as your work buds stand by your side. They seem to form an invisible protective layer between you and any malicious lava that is spewed so that you walk through the fray ALMOST oblivious to the disaster that would surely have have befallen you were it not for your 'asbestos' pals! This can lead to what might appear to be gratuitous appreciation if you are lulled into that secure feeling where you don't thank (enough)those who make your job a lot more than merely bearable. You can only hope that they know how vital they are to your life away from home because when they eventually go, you want them to take a piece of you with them almost more than you care that they leave behind a few pieces of themselves. You want them to take the gratitude, caring and hopes you have for them wherever they go because you know that only then will they truly get how very much they have meant to you, and how very much you will miss them and all the special gifts they have brought to your life. You already know how very lucky their new employers are to have hit the employee jackpot, and you are realisitically resigned to a new phase of your career minus your 'friends' your teachers and your mentors, those stalwart warriors who you have come to respect so greatly both on and off the battlefield.

Moving

When you downsize you are apt to become pretty proud of yourself in terms of how you have managed to rid your day to day living of any and all flotsam and make do with much less in a considerably smaller living space. What happens when you have to move again is nothing short of astounding. You prepare the boxes, newspapers, tape gun and Sharpie pens pretty secure in the knowledge that this move will be a breeze since you have after all pared everything way way down. Then you get down to it only to find that you have yet again amassed countless useless pieces of whatever and as the mountain of packed boxes grows higher you wonder how you will fit it all into the new place and still have room to circumnavigate. You begin to worry about the movers as you seem to be way over the estimated amount of cardboard you've contracted for. You fleetingly think that perhaps the best move would be to purchase pretty sheets with which to top those boxes and contemplate turning the new place into a mini cafe with numerous small square tables..but no, there is no escaping the inevitable; you must simply begin the downsizing process again and pray for there to be no more moves on your horizon.

Old Neighbours

Fourty years go by in the blink of an eye then suddenly a name from your distant past has the power to pull you back..way back, and you find yourself awash in childhood memories; threads that somehow have woven themselves into the very fabric of your life though the needlework must have been done by brilliant invisible elves whose nimble fingers seem to have sewed so fast and furiously that you never even noticed any work going on. Now when you look back you see that the masterful stitches have left an unbelieveable product which can only truly be appreciated by the characters who inhabit the tapestry that is your life. Seldom do we get a second chance to revisit a magical childhood and retrace our footsteps along those amazing streets of long ago.
The fact that you get another chance to once more stand beside one of those with whom you share a significant part of your past is the best gift of all.

How You Say Goodbye

Much has been written about leavetaking but in all that has been said is there ever a perfect way to say goodbye? The permanence alone makes it necessary that you opt to bid your adieus after careful consideration and not off the cuff because a) it won't stick or b)you will not do justice to your particular goodbye, neither of which should be an option if goodbye is what you truly need to say.
The best and kindest way is probably calmly and without emotion which is far easier to do on the phone than face to face and via email is no option at all. The telephone scenario works well so long as no discussion ensues because this can only cause an escalation of things and that can never be good. A short almost upbeat phone call can be the perfect out you are looking for. Should you choose the 'in person' route be certain to announce your upcoming visit or you may find yourself ringing a doorbell that no one answers though you can plainly see the person through their semi closed blinds. If she/he knows it is you and has any inkling as to your intent do not be surprised if they choose not to receive you. This leads back to the phone option. You may believe that this method is too impersonal but in the end you may have no choice but to say what you mean to say on a voicemail recording. If this is your only option, take it for I beleve this to be the lesser of all evils. You say what you need to say and though the conversation is one sided there is nothing to defend. Perhaps the best part of all is that your goodbye is mercifully brief (you only have so much time allotted on a recording)ergo more succint and not at all inappropriate.