Comparison Writing

I love paper and pen. Even in this high tech age give me a stack of ivory or ecru coloured vellum, many yellow legal pads, a few leatherbound journals along with a selection of pens from fountain (peacock blue ink of course) to rollerball,(fine tipped only!)and I am blissful. If my dream was a burnished wooden rolltop desk, it was in great part due to my secret wish for a suitable depository for my writing paraphenalia. I always loved to write and for years I blamed my nonwriting exisitance on the stars not being perfectly aligned,which in my case meant that without that desk, there would be no writing. On my 50th bitrhday there it was, my very own deep reddish brown wooden rolltop. As if that wasn't enough, somehow it came fully equipped, all dressed!! The drawers and hidden nooks and crannies were filled with almost everything I had requested in my dreams and it even came with a green library/desktop brass lamp. After the initial shock of this most amazing gift wore off, I decided to at long last get down to the business of writing which I was certain was my destiny, A funny thing happened. Although I tried to fill the legal pads as well as the journals not much was forthcoming in terms of measurable actual words on the page. I thought I had beginners writers block but the problem was actually of a much more simple nature. It is interesting that I can only today, YEARS later. self diagnose the reason for my non productivity. Through retrospection I now get that writing does not just occur, no matter how ideal the surroundings, unless the writer makes a conscious decision to write. Wanting, hoping and planning are only intentions, and do not allow for any real progress, in fact they are more like cement shoes in terms of keeping us rooted to the same spot with no forward movement possible. If I am being honest I have to admit that for me there has always been an element of fear that was intrinsically bound to my writing dreams. Fear of failure was the first of many, and this was by far the toughest one to conquer. Maybe old age makes us bold but today I couldn't care less about potential failure because I finally see that that old adage is true: (at least for me)you know, the one about fear and fear itself etc.. I don't even fear paraphrasing badly now. Today, I understand that I am not in a competition, and that if I engage in ruminating about comparison writing it will have no negative impact whatsoever. Aside from loving to write, I love to read. I will always appreciate a great read. I will always be awed by those words that serve as paint brushes on auto-draw in my head. I will always feel respect and admiration for those craftmasters who spin their yarns on a magic loom, but I will never again let comparison writing stop me in my tracks. The proof? I write this not DESPITE but BECAUSE of an incredible post I have just read!