Senior Moments

As I edge that much closer to the big 60 I think that I have found a cure for those niggling times when my short term memory fails and the thoughts that only seconds ago were ready to be shared suddenly vanish without a trace. The trick is; at the beginning of all my telephone conversations,I interject a number of random topics that I might want to address so that when memory fails, (and it will) the person I am speaking to has only to parrot those very same topics right back at me thus allowing me to regroup and simply carry on from there. This will not assist those in the age-induced time warp when it comes to a higher order of thinking, but it will definitely keep us safe within the parameters that we initially set out for that particular conversation.
I had decided to keep my impending birthday a secret from most of the people with whom I spend my working day hours. This excellent plan went forward swimmingly until lunch time when to my great surprise, a vat of tulips (my fave) was delivered to my place of work and then it was pretty much game over. When you think of Tiny Tim and Tiptoe Through The Tulips- light years removed from Tom Waits- you may envision a hazy path of tulips in a beautiful garden but at no time can you even begin to imagine the sheer volume of 61 elegant purple and shocking pink blooms all gathered together just for me. Thanks to my children there'll be no tiptoing here;
I'd need a sickle to cut a swath through these!

Rain

Some people are bothered by those drab gray days that the rain usually brings but not me! I always find rain to be cozy no matter what colour the day. There is something magical about a steady rainfall that seems to soothe with its pitter patter melody. I almost never mind the torrential downpours either as long as there is no accompanying dampness. If I was ever concerned about a hairdo I would surely stand beside the minions who decry the showers accusing them of being at the root of all really bad hair days but I seem to have those with or without the rain and it's not my way to shift blame especially where Mother Nature is concerned. In a world where there is much talk of rain shortage I feel fortunate that we have what others might see as an overabundance of rain. Those who are concerned with always making a fashion statement may opt for those readily available and oh so adorable yet trendy rain boots and a well constructed designer raincoat. When those infamous April showers make their entrance, and if fashion is not that high on your list of priorities, there is always the oversized but sturdy golf umbrella and in a pinch, KNIRPS!!

60

I expected to have many different thoughts regarding the aging process as I begin yet another decade, but the thoughts I feel I must conjure up on this auspicious occasion appear to be playing possum and I find myself unable to get sufficiently riled up to properly vent on the subject.
It is way too much work to conjure up and record the stepping stones that my feet have trod on my way to the place I am now, so in order to give voice to how I REALLY feel as I stand at this precipice, I will simply say that I am thankful, more than I could ever have imagined I'd be.
It has indeed taken a village to get me here and as I reminisce, my thoughts are with those who make up my very special village. Each and every inhabitant is special to me in their own inimitable way and because they have individually and collecively left their footprints on my heart, I cannot name them here as that would be way too trite even for me.
I expected to rail at the injustices of aging and instead if I am being perfectly honest I must admit to not caring at all. Age has always been just a number to me and today I find that that remains my truth. I am fine with 6o and still looking forward to my most favourite day in April with the same excitement that has accompanied all my birthdays of the past. 60 has not been able to dampen my love of my birthday anymore than I wager 70 will but if things should change, I'll be sure to do the birthday/age rant that will no doubt ensue.

Family and Money

Maybe the old saying about money being the root of all evil isn't as far off the mark as I thought; While in the past, I found it hard to believe that familial fractures could simply be relegated to the dollar sign column insofar as blame goes, but now I fear that there is some element of truth to the matter. What amount are we talking about? $1,000.000? $2,000,000? more? Do the same rules apply if the amount is $100,000? In fact I fear it is any and all amounts that take an active role in creating the fissures that seemingly appear out of nowhere and threaten the once tight weave of the family make-up. The sudden Pot of Gold syndrome can strike at the heart of every family no matter how closely knit you believe your personal unit to be. Is there an insurance policy to cover any of the devastating destruction that this sudden sweep of money leaves in its wake? Sadly to my knowledge, no there is not. This leaves me to wonder why and to consider how I can PROFIT from this obvious niche in the market!

The Giving Elm

When you are many things to many people you may delude yourself with thoughts that you are like a symbolic elm tree, massive in your capacity to provide shade and safe harbour to those you care for without batting a single leaf or branch. The truth however,is not quite so simple nor is it stately as is that fine tree.
In actuality, the more you give, the more you begin to strongly resemble an over pruned shrub. As others increase their expectations/demands,your self preservation instincts decrease, almost like tit for tat and this happens at mach speed so that you don't really get to see yourself during the transformation period.
As an 'elm' you may have delusions of granderur, so it doesn't occur to you that you have become an endangered member of the forest family. You do not see that the constant heaviness born by your branches has taken a mighty toll on your outer frame. Yet you are a happy tree even as you give more and more and you have no regrets when you finally get a good look at yourself after years of standing tall.
What you see is an older tree whose exterior is much changed. To the unknowing eye you may appear to be the same old elm, but in fact you are not. You continue to stand when it would be so much simpler to bend and sit for awhile, and you do this because you are after all a giving elm right down to your very roots.

Fisrt Born

As my son sits firmly on the border of his 20s while at the same time marches steadily towards his 30s I take a minute? (not really a minute!!) to reflect back, waaaaay back to that 3rd day in April when thanks to him I became a MOM. Time is still an enigma to me and I continue to be amazed at its steady progression despite our strong desire for it to stand still, especially on momentous occasions. Granted, I did not wish to prolong the length of the actual delivery, but that first sighting and actual holding of the most beautiful baby ever, well that one certainly could have lasted longer. All the milestones notwithstanding, I can see now that is is those small seemingly inconsequential moments I most wish I could have held onto just a wee bit longer. Holding him up to the living room window as our fingers traced the patterns made by a sudden rain, talking to him (non stop)as he lay captive in his pram and we circumnavigated the gardens at Bellevue, I used huge words so not baby friendly yet somehow they seemed just right for him and perhaps this was the beginning of his love of language. (I think it was there that he also acquired his patient listening skills) Singing to him with my awful non tune carrying voice always made him smile, and this was probably the start of his great tolerance for the imperfections in people he had yet to meet. Being a mother saw me morph into something that heretofore was anathema to me; I became a personal cheerleader! From his first steps to his first sentence (bilingual of course)it has been beyond an honour to be in his corner whenever he allowed me to be. I hope that he knows newbie moms sometimes make big mistakes while flying through those parenting years by the seat of their pants, and that he forgives what he has not forgotten in the knowledge that there was only love as a motivator even if that did not appear to be the case at the time.
Today on his birthday I see that the joy of being his mother continues to grow as it walks hand in hand with time. Pride and gratitude can never contained anymore than time can be expected to stand still.
Thanks Dan and Happy Birthday, Love you always, Mom

Leap Of Faith

When I was much much younger and my innate sense of competition was at its peak, I thought nothing of challenging myself in many unfamiliar arenas and was never in any way concerned that I might possibly fall from my lofty perch atop that proverbial branch. I liken my total disregard for possible failure as a byproduct of youth and parenting; I was an exteremy cocky young person who had been raised to KNOW that maximum effort would breed maximum gain.
Not to sound smug or to rest on my laurels, I must confess to achieving whatever it was I set out to do which as we all know, does wonders for the confidence quotient. The years passed without me taking stock of exactly how challenging my life has been yet today it is only as I glance back (better than peering intensely back!) that I am able to recognize that the youthful cocky me has at some point been replaced with an older version that just might be reticent when it comes to challenges and or new things beyond the 'senior' comfort zone. Clearly this does not please me and while I may rage against the injustice that time has (supposedly) wrought ( silently or at high do as needed) within the confines of my own mind, if I were being true to myself I would have to take the blame for allowing the passing years to whittle away what once was as natural as breathing; my sense of adventure, discovery,mind growing, and a veritable cornucopia of things too numerous to list here. The question now is can I begin a sort of backwards march away from the abyss and back towards the core where things are new again, ever-changing and growth is sure to occur.
I am thinking yes, but at the same time considering a 'maybe' panic button.